Now it's the end of second semester.
This spring, I grabbed meals with 130+ different individuals. For the first three weeks, I was on a borderline-unhinged schedule of three meals a day. But then I mellowed out because of how difficult it was. Instead, I kept to about 2 scheduled meals a day, with a typical meal being about an hour long.
I spend about 14 hours, give-or-take, on social eating each week–the time commitment was basically a whole extracurricular in itself. (Note: I was taking chill classes in my second semester, so I had bandwidth for this).
After 130 meals, certain patterns emerged.
Here are the 13 lessons that survived the chaos:
01. Social fatigue is real, but so is the renewal
Some weeks, I’d feel daunted and tired from looking ahead to all the meals I’ll be having. But without fail, I’d leave every meal feeling lighter, more curious, more grounded. It turns out that talking to people is energizing and rewarding for me. Mercifully, I’m high in extroversion.
02. I accidentally mastered the art of BS-ing questions on the spot
You would be shocked by how many meals involved the other person asking zero questions. Zero! As a result, I've developed a strange superpower: open my mouth, and a question just… materializes… and it feels pretty natural.
03. ADHD shows up in conversations in fascinating ways
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my first semester, and it became very evident as I grabbed meals from the topic-pivots, intense interest, bursts of hyperfocus. I started noticing patterns in the way my brain wanders and returns to threads in the conversation, and how easily I can get distracted by a cool tangent. Though, people are usually chill and accommodating, even appreciative of how I engage with them.
04. Formulas for a conversationalist?
I converged to a certain flavor of introspective, fast paced, probing conversations because I always enjoy asking: What did you learn about yourself last semester? I love the pauses of people who seriously consider my question.
05. Even if it's my 20th time telling the same story, it's someone else's first time hearing it
Meal-grabbing forced me to stay present even while repeating information and stories about myself. For them, it’s new. For me, it’s practice in showing up sincerely. I feel like I become unsentient if I am not thoughtful about what I am sharing. Though to be totally honest, sometimes I’m a bit annoyed when I have to repeat some rehearsed tidbits about myself, because I already know that about myself – I’d much rather want to learn about the person sitting across from me.
06. If I ask you for a 1:1 meal… I mean 1:1
This one feels obvious, but apparently it's not. A few times, someone brought an entire friend group to our meal. Sometimes, it's great I meet more awesome people. But if I asked you, I wanted to get to know you.
07. Great conversations don't magically turn into great friendships
This one hurt a bit. But without follow-up from either side, the connection just floats away. Intentionality is everything.
08. Great conversations should not always be turned into a romantic interest
Just because I have an electric conversation with a person, I don't need to like them!! I've had a few experiences where I developed a crush during the meal, but interesting conversations are necessary but not sufficient.
9. Send the Google Calendar invite, don't be shy!
If a meal is scheduled in advance, there is a non-zero chance the other person will forget. Two more bonus etiquette: A GCal invite with both of our names, "Person <> Tina Lunch" is preferable over "Lunch with Tina". Also, check in the morning of—most people appreciate it.
10. Be bold and proactive, then it becomes second-nature
I got used to asking people for their number in passing, which is awesome. I appreciate getting people's number to text as it lets me share events or send reminders (including "NYers, are you voting???"). Funnily, people still react with shock when I say I'd also be the type of freak who emails strangers to grab meals.
11. Group meals are almost impossible to schedule—but they're still worth trying
I do enjoy intentional group meals, as rare as it is for the full group to make it. That's why I appreciate clubs that encourage you to have group meals.
12. If you can't do meals? There's always coffee or boba or free walks
The format doesn't matter. The intention does.
13. What a beautiful thing it is when my friends become friends
When my friends from different places converge and realize how awesome each other is, it brings me immense joy.
14. Some meals become turning points
When I reflect on the meals, I remember each meal, where and to some extent what we discussed as I look back at the Google Calendar, endearingly dubbed gcal.
One meal stands out. A breakfast scheduled five days in advance with a guy I met at a Spring Fling (Yale’s student-organized concert) darty. He was a friend of a friend, and he has heard about how similar we are about our question-asking and meal grabbing. I didn't think much of it when we exchanged numbers. I definitely didn’t think I’d later date him. And this is the beautiful, terrifying thing about meal-maxxing… you never know which meal is going to become a story.
And this is the beautiful, terrifying thing about meal-maxxing: you never know which meal is going to become a story. The next blog is about what happened after.